knell
1. the sound made by a bell rung slowly, esp. for a death or a funeral.
2. a sound or sign announcing the death of a person or the end, extinction, failure, etc., of something: the knell of parting day.
3. any mournful sound.
–verb (used without object)
4. to sound, as a bell, esp. a funeral bell.
5. to give forth a mournful, ominous, or warning sound
There it is. I am sitting in my pew and a thousand things are running through my mind. I am trying to concentrate on the words of the pastor with great difficulty. This morning did not begin the way I wished. I awoke with so many burdens and so many stresses. I have to speak to my father’s parole officer. I have financial aid worries about college. Payroll is low at work. For some reason I just feel angry. In the middle of my pity party caused by minor suggestions made to me that morning, I am feeling a little bitter, a little frustrated, and a little confused, to the point that I wonder why I am sitting in church. We sing worship songs, but my heart is hard as a rock. This, too, makes me angry. I want to sing, but there is no worship in my heart. To sing would be fake. It would also be an injustice.
There it is again. Do you hear it? It’s almost as a bell, yes…that is it. A mournful, slow two-step, yes, so painfully slow as if time has stopped. A death knell. The breath of sin on my neck causes the hair on my arms to rise, and my neck to prickle. This, too, is in tempo with the eerie toll.
For one of the first times, I begin to understand a passage I have frequently neglected, but that I had read earlier this week:
“In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, ‘Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.’”
My thoughts turned to my life’s journey with God.
A leader whom I respect tremendously for his wisdom once said, “I am tired of vain things.” As a Christian, I have become consumed by vain things. Vain things are Things That Christians Do (Because We’re Christians). They range from Bible studies, to special barbecues, to rallies. These things are in themselves bad, however, if these become demonstrations or reasons for your walk with Christ, then they serve no purpose. If all you get is, “Wow, Man, that totally changed my life! It was so filled with the Holy Spirit. He was really with us!” but there is no change, then it has all been in vain.
Analysis, theological and philosophical debates, bible studies, different ministries, these are all important. They are key to the growth and defense of our faith. Nevertheless, it is possible that we can have over a thousand bible studies which become our walk, and then have nothing while we are alone. We can smile in a crowd, but when the shadows overwhelm us and we find ourselves alone, will we turn to the cross?
There is a commercial Christianity that I feel pulling me into the mainstream Church. There are times that I wish that I had never come to know this kind of Christianity, the Christianity which is loud and vibrant, because I wonder how much of it is real. I wish that I could lock myself in isolation from all these ”Plans On How To Read The Bible” and “study guides,” the products of self-help Christianity, for I realize that I have come to rely on study books and bible studies–tools and not the Ultimate Tool, the Holy Bible. I rely on corporate prayer to replace my own singular prayers.
And then, sitting in the pew, listening to the death knell within, listening to the hissing lizard at my shoulder, tears blurred my vision. My mind reeled back to so many instances of selfishness, of vanity. The drape was pulled from the portrait, and as Dorian Gray saw himself for what he really was, so I was revealed. The bell tolled again. A part of me fell away.
The decay of sin in my life is a malignant rot, a leprosy lurking in my heart, a toxin breaking down all that I love and cherish. And then I heard something else. A beautiful sound. Bright and crisp and clear, it sliced through dreadful mourning of the bells.
I wanted that sound. I chased after it. I sought it with all of my heart. The sound was the sound of reason, of love, of all good things–the music, the song of God. I knew that if I did not pursue that sound, I would be buried under the deafening emptiness that pervaded the sanctuary.
I have no idea why God did not accept Cain’s offering. But perhaps it begins with attitude. Perhaps Cain was defensive, and he refused to be corrected. He refused rebuke, and took God’s rejection of his sacrifice personally. He hardened his heart, even when God warned him of the outcome. I do not think God was mean or stern in his warning, either. Perhaps it was even a plea. “Look, this attitude is evil! It is sinful, and it will conquer you! Your life will never be the same if you don’t change!” God said. As for my part, I know I must change. I know I must be sweeter, kinder, more patient. I know I must develop a stronger walk that is my walk, not the walk of an author or preacher, singer, or anyone else…not even the walk of my fiancee. I need a walk that is mine. I also know that my attitude needs to change. Instead of feeling sorry, I need to chase after God. I need to shed negativity.
So I did. I pushed all the self-pity aside and I sang. At first the song was strangled in my throat, but soon it came out loud and clear. I was able to worship freely. My heart was light, the creases in my forehead, less.
I urge you all to reject the mainstream, the commercial Christianity. I plead that you embrace God, even when your joy seems lost, and that even when you have to will yourself to seek Him, seek Him all the same. I exhort you to change your attitudes, to stop dwelling upon what people say to control your life, and to love God and people above all else; to love God above your self, and to love others as yourself. I urge you in the name of Christ Jesus, who died for our sins. I urge you on behalf of the Cross.
